Gratitude... my old friend.
one who sometimes seems to have left me
Oh gratitude, my old friend. You’re always there even when I’m sure you’ve left me.
But in reality, it’s me who leaves you.
My best friend in the world, Paige, and I talk a lot about the duality of life… the both/and of it all. The ups, and more importantly the downs, we don’t think we will survive. We’ve both had our fair share of them. And the most recent truth of it, eh em, the MESSY truth, is about 6 months ago, my second marriage crumbled and I felt like it was going to kill me. And damn, it really did take me down. Yet today, I feel like a completely new person, full of joy and vitality. Make no mistake, I put in the work. A relentless amount of work and I continue to do so because there are is always more inner exploring to do. I didn’t get here by chance, most people don’t. A big part of that work is looking at what is and accepting it. During those dark months, gratitude was a distant enemy that I had to force myself to confront and embrace.
Paige (and countless friends) kept telling me I was going to be ok, that I had to put in the work on myself, leave him to his own journey, and stay my course. I would go as far as to make them promise me (over and over) that I would be ok… and they graciously did, even when I was sure I was over-indexing my ask. While I didn’t really believe them in the midst of the dark and lonely pain, I think instinctually I knew it was true and man did I cling to it like my life depended on it. I learned, all too well (sup Taylor), the power of loved ones who hold space for me. Grateful for that beyond words.
When my world shattered, I did not care about much, which included promoting my beautiful book that I poured my heart into over the last few years. I could barely get out of bed, how in the world would I go on a freakin’ book tour… and talk about a book that had documented so much of my newfound love and marriage in it! Are you kidding me? No, thanks. What a humbling ride that would be. But then something shifted… and I believe this is where gratitude comes in. I was advised by many brilliant people in my life that a gratitude practice was the answer. But I wasn’t feeling grateful… far from it. It wasn’t going to come naturally, I had to PRACTICE showing up for it. I listened… resistant again, but I listened. I wrote in my gratitude journal (and still do) and on the app daily - about all the things I was and am grateful and thankful for. (Gratitude and Thankfulness have a different essence for me) Some days it’s as simple as being thankful for the sun that shines, my two boys and loving friends. And other days it is profound gratitude for the pain I experienced that got me to do the deeper work on myself that is bringing me the joy and vitality I feel now.
Today I’m grateful for all of you, for this wild and amazing life I GET to live. The fact that The Messy Truth hit the best seller list (did you hear?), but really for all the heartfelt messages I’ve been getting about how much my story is resonating with so many people. That is never lost on me. It’s so easy to feel like we’re on an island, even those of us who seemingly are surrounded by so many people, so it sure feels good to be connecting in a more intimate way through the power of storytelling and personal reflections. I appreciate that generosity you all have shown me and hope I can give it back to you in the best ways I can.
Life will continue to unfold with ups and downs. It’s all there to remind me of the duality of life and to ride the ways… and to embrace it all with gratitude for the inevitable lessons and obvious beauty of The Messy Truth.
A favorite daily dose of inspiration are the texts that Cory Muscara sends to anyone who has signed up to receive. This was yesterday’s and it hit home.
Don't force being grateful.
Just meet your life with openness & humility, surrendered to the mystery.
You'll thaw into gratitude when it's time.
-Cory
Lots of love from me to you, Alli
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